I’ve been in deep non stop thought about everything and anything for the past 24 hours almost.
What I’ve realized is…the problem isn’t my selfishness and ego as much as the fact I honestly don’t spend enough time with myself. While I do project internal issues by keeping busy with others, I do not utilize the time I can have for myself.
who the fuck am I anyway? I don’t believe its a deceitful and terrible person I’m being torn apart as. I admit, I do have my faults. I have a lot wrong with me I can always improve upon. I appreciate the criticism eventhough it didn’t have to be rudely spoken to me.
I understand that there is some perfect picture of my life in most minds and granted, eventhough I am blessed to say I have my life well off compared to others, especially close to me, its still a work in progress. Should I be grateful for the roof over my head, the utility bills paid in full, the nice car sitting outside of my house that I should appreciate better?
Absolutely. I couldn’t be more grateful. I need to have even more gratitude than I can manifest right now though. It is drifting from my daily perspective and meditation practices. That feeling of knowing that I’m blessed to be surrounded in a better setting than a few years ago should have me at an amazing sensation, but yet not to a boasting status I’m making and whining of.
The card reading has warned of the dangers of this happening and the repercussions of said warning. I’m told to remember the glimmer of hope that pulled me up in the first place as well though.
I spent my fair share of days in that position. Bitterness. Empty. Envy saturating from the negative feelings toward the people who have it all. That was 2 years ago since I realized, from nothing can become the most precious something and so fourth. I didn’t think it was even real to look at how far I’m at with establishing my dreams from the once hopeless rubble I pulled myself from.
I get ahead of myself too much and because of that, I skipped the most important step into self discovery. Learning to overcome the wall I’ve built surrounding who I truly am and want to be. Knowing what I need to do to learn and allow to grow.
I’m very sad at this situation I have brought on due to a big head, because I do feel and know it’s real and true. That makes me grateful to know I can truly still feel that. One day maybe I can finally prove to be that person you made me once feel so happy to be again. That is the feeling I hold onto in order to better things because it is possible. no matter what the situation is. Without any sense of hope, nothing is able to get better.
I still have a long long way to go into my development plan. I;m no where near close to satisfactory level but with patience and constant effort, I WILL get there.